My friend seems to be in an abusive relationship but doesn't seem to see it: how can I help?
- vincentopoix
- Feb 28
- 2 min read
It might be difficult to notice that a friend or a loved one seems to be in an abusive relationship, but that they are not admitting it, to others or to themselves.
Being in a controlling and abusive relationship can be very difficult for this person, and even if they are not in the right mental state to seek help for now, it is important to let them know that they are not stuck in this situation and not alone.
Helping someone who is in an abusive relationship but won't admit it requires a delicate approach. Here are the strategic steps you can take, focusing on maintaining open communication and a safe space:
1. Focus on Concerns, Not Labels
Instead of saying, "You're being abused," express concern about specific behaviors you've observed. For example, "I've noticed your partner often criticizes you in front of others, and it seems to make you uncomfortable."
Frame your concerns around their well-being. "I'm worried about you because I see you changing, and you seem less happy than you used to be."
Use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. "I've noticed that you're cancelling plans more often, and I'm concerned."
2. Combat Isolation
Maintain regular contact: Even if they push you away, continue reaching out with texts, calls, or invitations. Don't take their withdrawal personally.
Suggest group activities: Invite them to events with mutual friends or groups, which can provide a sense of community and normalcy.
Offer to do activities they enjoy: Suggest activities you know they used to enjoy, even if they seem reluctant. This can help them reconnect with their interests and rediscover their sense of self.
Avoid criticizing their partner: While it's natural to feel anger, criticizing their partner may cause them to become defensive and withdraw further.
3. Keep the "Door Open"
Let them know you're always there: Reassure them that you'll be there for them whenever they're ready to talk, without judgment.
Provide resources discreetly: Share information about domestic violence hotlines or websites, but do so in a way that doesn't put them at risk. You could say, "I found this article about healthy relationships, and it made me think of you."
Listen actively and empathetically: When they do talk, focus on listening and validating their feelings, rather than offering unsolicited advice.
Respect their pace: Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, and they may not be ready to take action immediately.
Create a safe, judgement free space: Never reveal anything they tell you, unless they are in immediate danger.
4. Be Patient and Persistent
It may take time for them to acknowledge the abuse and seek help.
Continue to offer support and reassurance, even if they seem resistant.
Your consistent presence and unwavering support can make a significant difference in their journey to safety.
Important Considerations
Safety first: If you believe they are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number.
Seek support for yourself: Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be emotionally draining. Consider seeking support from a therapist or support group.
Respect their choices: Ultimately, the decision to leave the relationship is theirs. Your role is to provide support and resources, not to force them into action.
